Relationships & Problem Solving

An essential component of mental wellness is social networks. These can be anything from family, friends to romantic partners or spouses (casual intimate relationships don't count). They are essential for health mental wellness and overall health - the right types.

I'm focusing on frames of reference for relationships.

FAMILY

Sometimes you might need a break from family, but it's unwise to cut off all contact, unless there's abuse (this is never acceptable). Take a break and give yourself some space, even if it's a few months. Spend some time thinking about your boundaries and what your expectations are. Typically, families are not as bas as you think they are. You also must be honest in your own contirbutions to negative (or new word, which I find too excessive - toxic) family relationships.

All family members argue and fall out and clear the air and have great times and argue and disagree again - you're an indepenpent individual and so are they.

Next time you have a massive blow out or just a disagreement - give yourself space and then think to yourself, you had received the words, attitude and facial expressions you gave to your family member would you really appreciated it? Have your conversation again but film yourself (ideally film a mirror as you repeat the conversation) play it back yourself i the morning and see if that was acceptable. You might give yourself a bit or shock (this works when developing mindful eating habits too, you aren't always aware of your actions or facial features).

It's always a good idea after giving yourself some space to say what you have to say after thinking about it and offering an olive branch at the same time. Going through life with no family members is not ideal. We always need love and support, no matter how independent and self-sufficient we are.

Giving up completely on family will ultimately not support mental wellness or health in the long run.

FRIENDS

This one does not need as much consideration as family. Friends are sometimes present for reasons and seasons. They help us with what we need, even if we cannot see it, and we them. With friends offering olive branches needs to be limited in the amount of times they are offered.

You might have a friend that messes up endlessly or is a complete train wreck - for these types who are harmless, it can be fine to help them and offer support again and again. However, if it begins to impact your well-being, your energy, your space and time and it's becoming draining - do you need to think about your boundaries and start to implement your tolerance levels?

Do you always need to invite them out/over/for that special occasion?

Do you need to decline their invites every so often?

Do they need to be seen in large groups or just now and again?

Should you be out at dinner or shopping or a movie night?

You'll know how much you time you need to spend with that person or if others need to be present or an activity for you to both focus on needs to be included in your time together.

Friends shouldn't be constantly draining you and certainly never holding you back.

You are not responsible for them, they should be showing some willing to support you as much as you support htem. It doens't have to be fun all the time, but it's always a drain or dreded fear - should you be friends?

A controversial thought is - are you the social vampire?

PARTENRS/SPOUSE

I've been reading a lot about relationships recently, just to refresh my memory on disordered thought patterns or distorted thinking or unhelpful thinking patterns.

When I looked at this some years ago, there were about 12 or so, this has increased, but essentially the basics are still the same.

Some of the distorted thought patterns include:

biases, judgements, mind reading, catastropizing, all or nothing thinking - they are pretty much what the label says.

Mind reading is done frequently by partners/spouses - yes, you spend a lot of time with them and can probably predict their reactions in most situations. You're probably able to pick out or say what they would or would not like, order food for them in a restaurant, but you cannot read their mind completely. No matter how long you've been together.

When it comes to maintaining your romantic/intimate relationship - make sure your communication is open and honest.

Take time to think about what you want to say. Write it down, make a bullet-pointed list, use kind words. It can help you to get things off your chest but make sure you acknowledge your side of the wrong doing/insults/not going so well. No relationship is always one sided. You probably replay your side as being incredibly favourable but just like the filming yourself when having an argument with a family member, are you in the right? Have you made an error? Do you need to apologise for some things?

This does not include abuse - abusive relationships should never be tolerated. No marriage or partnership includes abuse in its vows.

Take some time to reflect on your behaviour, what is wrong in the relationship and what you would like to change - it must include action from you too, not just your partner.

Relationships always start out great - once the relaties of life become permanent acknowledgements and included in your relationships (you know what I mean, finances, childcare, looking after other family, housing responsibilities, career changes etc) the initial view you had of your partner will (likely) change dramatically.

Are you able to work though problems? Offer solutions? Make requested (reasonable) changes your partner suggests?

Your view of your partner will definitely change over time. Just realize, understand and acknowledge that change is natural, you've likely been been behaving in a manner that has indicated your boundaries and tolerances and what you have now is what you have contributed to.

Take time to know what your priorities are in every phase of your life and how you will provide solutions to the problems. More often than not, there's always a solution to the relationship problem.

Take care,

Mental Wellness & Health