Moving Forward

It's not just the act of physically moving forward; it's also about moving forward with your mind and your thoughts. It's also definitely easier said than done.

The following is not only for personal and romantic relationships but friendships, the office or workplace, your social commitments to community groups.

When you decide that you must move on from a situation or relationship - you must move on with your thoughts too. It's important to understand what you automatically think in a given situation e.g., after a disagreement that has now settled and you hear the familiar kind words or soothing tone of voice - do you automatically go back into 'person-pleaser mode'? Are you now running around taking care of everything once again? Are you hearing your own internal thoughts of, "it's alright, we're fine now/ it's dealt with / it's back to normal?

Do you realize these are you boundaries being crossed further and deeper than the last disagreement / unacceptable situation / insert unreasonable scenario here...

It is not enough to just say your piece and have that meaningful conversation that let's the other person know how you feel and how it negatively impacted on you. Your mindset and tolerance of the situation must be altered to your ideal or preferred state, otherwise you will find yourself in the exact same situation in a week, a month, or a year's time. Not changing your mindset and not giving into crossed boundaries is the surest way to ensure you create changes in your relationships and/or lifestyle.

Be honest with yourself, when do you always give in?

When you decide to move forward, remember that it will take a change in mindset.

How you usually think and behave in certain situations?

What are your automatic thoughts?

What do you do immediately when a disagreement is settled?

What do you say?

How much cleaning / shopping / agree to additional unpaid tasks / support do you proffer to the relationship?

Take a few moments to write down your most honest answers - you don't have to keep the paper, but seeing it written down can make it more real for you.

Once you can see what your usual pattern of behavior is, you will see why your boundaries are crossed time after time. Now it's time to ask yourself, 'what do I need to change?'

It will be obvious.

Are you taking on extra tasks as a way to apologize for the disagreement?

Are you afraid that the relationship or situation will end if you don't make extra amends or go out of your way for the other person's comfort?

If you are afraid of losing something or feel that you have to make extra amends - you are not secure in the relationship or situation. It is as simple as that.

Another truth bomb....

That insecurity could be all in your head. It's not comfortable to hear, but most of our mental torture comes from our own wild made-up scenarios.

If the relationship does fail because you now have new boundaries - they never really valued you in first place. They will continue to take advantage because they know they can; you have made it easy for them and this is your normal.

It takes a certain amount of discipline

Once you figure out your pattern, now think what you would like instead?

It can only involve you. Do not include the other person. You have no control over what someone will do or say. If you include this, I guarantee you will be disappointed. The changes can only include your behavior, thoughts, attitudes and reactions.

For example, another disagreement has led you giving in and feeling bad that you've had a disagreement in the first place. You are now working hard to clean the house, make a lovely meal, take on all the tasks, just to have the same undesired responses later that day or the next day when you thought the relationship was in a good place again (finally). This time, however, you do not take on extra cleaning. You leave tasks undone until you have time to complete them.

You don't immediately rush forward to answer their call because you've always done that, no, you continue with your day in manner that suits you. Have they addressed you properly? Used your preferred name? If yes, then respond (politely).

They make demands for you to do something that helps them there and then. Does this suit you? Is it an emergency and urgent help is required? No, you say? Then check in with yourself, have you completed the things you need to do today? No, you haven't? Then complete your tasks first, no need to explain or complain just continue with your day - you will feel accomplished. It is also a good idea not to brag try and receive praise for your new approach, keep it to yourself. Remember, this is your improvement for a meaningful life.

It can be difficult to stick to your new behaviors, keep quite (that means not complaining to everyone who appears to want to listen), and continue with your day. But it is worth it. Here's a few things that can help:

Make a list of tasks for your day that you need/ would like to achieve.

Include healthy meals and some movement

Take some moments to journal - write down if you feel uncomfortable about not putting yourself at that person's every whim. What happened? What did they say? It's most likely very little or they did not even notice.

Remind yourself why you are now doing this - it's too easy to slip into old habits.

What new things would you like to achieve this year? Now that January is over, it's time to really put new tasks and adventures into the diary and really work towards them no matter how small.

You cannot take out something you've always done without replacing it with something new - there will be no progress..

Something old removed + something positively new added

= improved lifestyle

Hopefully, this helps you in your improvement phase. If it takes time, that's OK, it's important to start and keep moving forward